The Seme Handbook
by BattyCore
Summary: This dumb. xD This very dumb LOL. Featuring pairings from South Park, Kuroshitsuji, Pandora Hearts, Samurai Champloo, I Luv Halloween, OHSHC, FMA, KKM, Death Note, Bleach, and YuGiOh


_The Seme Handbook_

**If you can't make your uke come just by licking his ass… you suck in bed.**

_(Craig/Tweek, South Park)_

"C-Craig! Ah! What are you do-doing!"

"Isn't it obvious?"

"Well… Yeah! But why!"

"Because in the third grade, you called me a 'big poop eater'."

"…What!"

"That's what Cartman said, anyway…"

"Sweet Jesus! No I didn't! Nng!"

"Either way, you should probably shut up now."

"Oh God!"

**The number of dildos that any average seme owns (for his uke) would put any sex shop to shame.**

_(Sebastian/Grell, Kuroshitsuji)_

"Buu… Sebastian, why are you so cold to me!"

"Because I hate you."

"But I want you so badly!"

"What do you want me to do about it?"

"I don't know… just stick something in me!"

"What the hell do you expect me to just have laying around to stick _in_ you?"

"You _are_ a demon; I don't know what you do in your spare time."

"Fuck off."

**Regardless of what kind of seme you are, you love to talk dirty during sex.**

_(Kenny/Kyle, South Park)_

"Mmm, Kenny, _yes_! Oh, harder!"

"Mmmmmph mmph, mmmmph! Mmmph mmmph mmph!"

"Oh, I know! I've never been pounded this hard before!"

"Mmph mph, mmmmmph mmmmph mmmph!"

"You talk get's me so hot… I don't know how much more I can take!"

"Mmmph mmmph mmmmmmmmph mmmph mmmmmph mmmmph! Mmmmmmmmmph mmmmph mmmmph!"

"…dude, that one was a little over the line."

"Mmmmph…"

**Semes don't eat cake. Ever.**

_(Break/Oz, Pandora Hearts)_

"Oz-kunnn~ What is that you have there~?" Break sang as he bounced into the room.

"It's cake! You want some?" Oz asked, holing the plate out in front of him.

Break smiled wide. "Don't mind if I do~"

"Well too bad!" Oz said, snatching his cake away before the other man could get at it. "Semes don't get cake. And if you want to grow up and be a big boy seme, you can't eat any."

Break looked like he might cry. "But… but!"

Oz grinned and shoved another piece of delicious in his mouth.

"You're evil," Break pouted. Oz giggled. "Fine, if I can't have any cake, then I'll just have to get my fix some other way!"

…

"No! Break! Don't put whipped cream there!"

Break licked his lips. "But it's so much fun to lick off~ And delicious too!"

"You're… evil," Oz pouted. Break giggled.

**The car you own is a BMW, Mercedes, Porche, or any other extra expensive make. Also, a seme's car will defy the laws of physics by being larger inside than on the outside to allow for comfortable uke-smexing.**

_(Jin/Mugen, Samurai Champloo)_

"Grrr, why do we always have to walk everywhere! I'm getting tired of this bullshit!" cried an aggravated Mugen.

"Why don't you relax?" asked Jin. "The next town isn't too far away; you'll be fine."

Mugen glared at Jin. "Why are you such an ass? I'm fucking tired," he complained, pursing out his lips in disappointment.

Silence for a moment. "I'm sorry; would you like me to carry you?" Jin asked, half mockingly.

"Pfffffft! As if I'd let you touch me!"

Jin smirked; an actual _facial expression_! "That's not what the bush said back there a few miles."

"Eww, guys! Gross!" Fuu cried.

Mugen fumed and glared daggers at the taller man. "Fuck you!"

**Semes will hardly ever have sex completely naked. That's an uke thing.**

_(Devil Lad/Finch, I Luv Halloween)_

"Why, exactly, doesn't Batman take his mask off while he's having sex?"

"If his secret identity was revealed, he'd have to kill his lover."

"Is that way you don't take yours off?"

"I'm gonna say… no."

"Then take it off."

"No."

"Not _too_ suspicious."

"You got me; I'm Batman."

"Take it off."

"Who's going to make me?"

"If you don't take it off, I can't kiss you."

"…"

"That's what I thought."

**Rape = Love. The more you love your uke, the more right you have to rape him.**

_(Kyoya/Karou, Ouran High School Host Club)_

"Kyoya, you're so cold... All you do is write in that notebook; you never talk. How am I supposed to even know you still love me?" Karou complained, pouting. He lounged on a couch and peered at Kyoya, who was sitting in a chair not too far away.

Eyes never leaving his page, Kyoya responded "I love you Karou, you know that. I'm just a busy man."

Karou crossed his arms and continued to pout. "I don't believe you."

Kyoya quirked a brow and set his notebook down. "Then how about I just _show_ you..?"

"Oh~ho~ho~ Kyoya~"

**The cure for rape = more rape. If another seme kissed, touched, or looked at your uke, get rid of his mark by replacing it with your own.**

_(Kenny/Kyle, South Park)_

"Hey, Kyle~" said Stan, passing the Jew with a wink.

"Hey, Stan!" Kyle responded happily, waving.

"What the hell was that!" asked Kenny, mortified. "Are the two of you fucking!"

"What! No way! He's just Stan!" defended Kyle, shocked.

"Well I know how to make you forget about him…" Kenny proceeded to drag Kyle into the nearest bathroom, locking the door.

Needless to say, they skipped their next class.

**Smexing your uke with his glasses is the ultimate goal. If the uke takes off his glasses before/while you smex him… you have failed.**

_(Roy/Ed, Fullmetal Alchemist)_

_Damn he looks cute in those reading glasses._ "Hey, Edward. You know what we should do?"

"What is it, Roy?"

"We should have sex; _right now_."

"What? But I'm reading…"

"But I want sex!" _Pout._

"…Fine. But you owe me."

_Score!_

Ed sets his glasses on the table, so as not to ruin them.

_Damn!_

"Something wrong, Roy?"

"No… Come on, we should get upstairs."

"Hee hee, it's been a while, hasn't it? I'm excited!"

"Yeah, me too…" _Sadface…_

**You can't afford to smex your uke with your glasses on because if that happens, you can't be sure if the uke loves you or the glasses.**

_(Roy/Ed, Fullmetal Alchemist)_

_Damn he looks cute in those reading glasses._ "Hey, Roy. You know what we should do?"

"What is it, Edward?"

"We should have sex; _right now_."

"What? But I'm reading…"

"But I want sex!" _Pout._

"…Fine. But you owe me."

_Score!_

Roy sets his glasses on the table, so as not to ruin them.

_Damn!_

"Something wrong, Edward?"

"Suddenly, I'm not in the mood."

"Oh…" _Sadface…_

**Never let you uke do any work! It's the uke's job to lie on the bed; it's YOUR job to make him feel good at night. (If your uke hasn't come at least five times, you're doing it wrong).**

_(Yuuri/Wolfram, Kyou Kara Maou)_

"You know, you really suck at being a top," said Wolfram from his position atop his position on his Yuuri.

"What! You jumped me! I didn't have a choice! This is rape!" Yuuri squirmed and tried to escape.

"Ohh, technicalities. Just shut up and enjoy it, Wimp," Wolfram justified, rolling his eyes.

"Don't call me a wimp!" He glared up at Wolfram. It was a little too hard to be serious when they were naked on his bed with the blonde sitting so close to his… royal staff.

"Then stop making me to all the work and be a little more assertive! You're such a girl!"

"But… but… I don't even know how to do it with a guy!" Yuuri pouted.

Wolfram smirked. "Then allow me to educate you."

**Everybody is out to rape your uke. You've got to protect his chastity by guarding him day and night!**

_(L/Light, Death Note)_

"Tell me again why these handcuffs are necessary?"

"So I can watch your every move and be sure you are not Kira."

"…Is it necessary to come in the bathroom with me, too?"

"Yes."

**SAS-Semes Always Swallow. Spitting out semen is for wussies.**

_(L/Light, Death Note)_

"Mmm… L… I'm gonna…Ngh!"

_Spit! Spit! cough!_ "Eww, Light! That was gross!"

"Well what did you expect it to taste like!"

"I wanted it to taste like cake…"

"…You're an idiot."

**You don't have to think too hard for the perfect birthday present for your uke- just do him eight times in a row. On the other hand, the only acceptable present for you is your uke wearing an apron and nothing else.**

_(Kenny/Kyle, South Park)_

"Happy birthday, Kyle!" Kenny grinned, holding out a small box.

"Aww, thank you, Kenny!" Kyle beamed, hugging the blonde. "What did you get me?"

Kenny giggled and said "Something awesome~"

Kyle opened the unwrapped cardboard box and stared at its contents. He picked the small tube out of the box and raised an eyebrow. It almost looked like toothpaste, except it wasn't a toothpaste. "What is this?"

"Something awesome!" Kenny repeated, grinning ear to ear.

The red-head did not seem amused. He just continued to stare between the gift and his friend.

"Trust me, you'll be thankful for it in a few minutes. We might use it all though…" Kenny said, smirking deviously.

Before Kyle could even question him, he took his hand and dragged him onto the bed. Kenny got on top of him, straddling his hips, and smirked down at him.

"Wait! Kenny, is this what I think it is!" Kyle gasped, gripping the gift in his fist.

"Useful, eh?" Kenny asked, bending down to smash their lips together.

Kenny made _very_ good use of that little tube, and Kyle was _very_ thankful.

**It's perfectly normal to be able to pin a grown man to the wall only using one hand to grip his wrists.**

_(Renji/Ichigo, Bleach)_

"Come on, Ichigo, it's fun to experiment!"

"…Tell you what; I'll let you do whatever you want if you can beat me."

"Deal." Renji suddenly had Ichigo against the wall, pinning his wrists above his head with one hand. "I win~" he said with a smirk, sliding his hand into Ichigo's Shihakusho.

"As if!" Ichigo said, confident he could get out of it. He tried, struggled even, but couldn't break free. No way Renji was that much stronger than him! "How are you doing that!"

"That's easy; I have seme powers."

"…seme powers?"

"Cool, huh? I'll show you how the rest of them work, too~"

**A seme must have different colored hair to his uke.**

_(Yami/Yugi, Yu-Gi-Oh!)_

"Yami, we can't do this!" Yugi squeezed his eyes shut, hands out in front of him in protest.

"Why not? We've done this lots of times," Yami asked, confused.

"Because I read online that you're not allowed to have the same color hair as me! And, amazingly, we both have the same impossibly colored and styled natural hair! It must be fate telling us something!"

"You know what I have to say to fate?"

"What?"

Yami proceeded to kiss his other half; possessively, as if to say "Like I would let you be with anyone else…"

"I agree; screw the rules."

* * *

><p><strong>Only about half of these made sense. xD My excuse: I haven't quite felt right lately, and I haven't been able to focus on anything. This is my sad excuse to put off working on anything significant. T^T<strong>

**I'm sad; I really want to write a good Creek, but I fail at their characters. D: EDIT: Which is funny, becasue today my girlfriend was telling me about me and complaining about some of my traits. She unknowingly described Craig Tucker as me. xD You'd think I'd be better at writing him. o-o  
><strong>

**This fails. xD**

**Don't shoot me, please~ I put this under this category because I happened to use that couple the most. Someone please inform me if that's not allowed. ):**


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